Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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