I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
