I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
someone owes me an orgasm
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
