my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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