No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
