no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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