Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
