I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
