you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
