life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
