can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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