BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
