How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
