when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
