omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
