when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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