i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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