why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
