Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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