More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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