her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
