I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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