he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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