My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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