Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
