sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
