I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
