You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
