Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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