I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
