Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
