i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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