im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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