A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize