Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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