Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Randomize
