Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
