please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
