This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
