if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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