hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the day after is always just damage control
he fucked my hip out of place.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
