can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
