I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
