Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
