ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
