Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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