Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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