for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
