I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Are we still banned from the library?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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