I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
