My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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