Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
