chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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