im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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