I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I didn't notice because vodka
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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