I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
