Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
