well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
