if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
