Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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