ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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