I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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