theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
